A day of no particular interest in respect to events, but I have attempted to count how many shoes I have and annotate poems from my anthology- which I'm rather proud of to say the least- they both are impossible tasks.

But also today had a little mini drama queen revelation moment that maybe I'm going to be ok. My dad died a few months ago and well I've been pretending to be ok since 23rd August 2003. Not too long I suppose, but long enough. He died of pnemomia from TB, he has been ill for as long as I remember, with numerous illnesses. I always thought he'd bounce back- because that is what he always did. But not quite this time, nearly, but not quite.
I had cared for him everyday with my mum at the hospital, bringing our own food since he hated hospital food. Funny how I miss the smell of a hospital- daddy was there for so long. If only he was still there, I guess that is selfish becuase he would be suffering, but at the end of the day he would still be here, and that is all that I want. I want my family back. Me, mum and dad in our own world. I wish I could be seven forever. Old enough to realise there is a world, but young enough to fully believe that parents are the whole wide world.

I miss my dad. I hope he can see me where ever he is, I'm not religious, but I do believe there is a god out there. Hope he's taken daddy under his wing. Last x'mas I wrote a letter to santa- my first, to ask for my daddy's survival, health and happiness. I guess he gave me one more year to appreciate it.

Mum's been really good, though I do suspect that like me she prefers to pretend everything is ok, that we are happy though daddy won't walk through the door anymore, see me go to uni, graduate, get married. He won't see next x'mas, or the one after that. Not here, not physically, but I do hope he can sense it spiritually.

I wish I could feel his presence, but i can't, i just can't grasp hold of it.

That is all i can say today, daddy's gone but I'll see him one day. Right now I've just got to do all the things that he would have lovd to see me do. People use to think my dad didn't love me, he didn't really know how to show affection the way others do. But when you knew him, then you knew he was the most loving man in the world, with the most innocent- yes my dad really was - and giving misunderstood man in the world. They didn;t know where to look for signs of love from him, but they were right there- just disguised. It just needed a bit of time.

THough our earthly time together has ran out, hopefully I'll be seven again one day, the age when nothing really mattered, when loss was never even considered to an issue.

Thankyou daddy for being wonderful in your hidden way,

I love you,

and miss you loads

maybe I'll explian more concrete details next time, but today is abstract.